(I originally wrote this article for Brownicity; October 22, 2024.)
“Not enough. Too much.“
Those phrases preoccupy most adolescent minds. The feeling of being too tall, too short, too loud, too shy, too bookish, too boring or, conversely, not tall enough, not short enough, not bold enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough haunts most people at some time or another. Particularly when we’re young, we compare ourselves to our peers and often fall short in some way.
This fear of being too much or not enough can be particularly poignant in mixed-race and adopted kids. They often feel like they are too white for the Black kids and too Black for the white kids. Or that they are not Asian enough, Hispanic enough, or Black enough to deserve a seat at the table with other kids of color. Their hair isn’t straight enough, or it’s too straight. They only know a few words in Korean. They don’t like the right kind of music. They don’t know the right slang. They don’t have enough swag or street cred. Their mom looks different from the other moms; they’re slightly embarrassed by their dad’s thick accent, and their grandma most certainly speaks differently from the other kids’ grandmas.
If you have mixed-race kids, or transracially adopted kids, here are three things you can do to help your kids know they are just right!
Listen.
When your kids are getting ready for school, or when they come home, do they express dismay over any aspect of their physical appearance or identity? Do you hear things like, “I hate my hair!” or “Maybe I should wear sunscreen so I don’t get darker” or “The Black kids (Hispanic kids, Asian kids) say I can’t sit at their table because I’m not really one of them.”
If you hear any of these things, encourage your kids with the truth right then and there, and then if time is short, bring it up again when you have more time to go deeper into the subject. Let them know that their hair and skin are gorgeous and that they are indeed Black or Hispanic or Asian – and they are also something else. They can claim a place at multiple tables!
Be proactive.
When you chose to have mixed-race kids or adopt kids of a different race, you lost the privilege of avoiding discussions on race. If you ignore this topic, your kids will grapple with feelings about their racial identity outside of the safety of their own family. Talking about race is like talking about sex. If you don’t talk about it, with your values attached to it, your kids will learn about it outside and in ways that you likely don’t agree with.
SO, communicate, communicate, communicate! Talk about things happening in the news. Talk about stereotypes and systemic racism. Ask what other kids are saying about them or others as it pertains to race and ethnicity. Talk about, and surround them with, Black and Brown excellence. Let them know that there are myriad reasons to lift their head with pride and dignity about who they are, both inside and out!
Give your kids broad cultural experiences.
One of the things adopted and mixed-race kids get accused of – if they have a white parent – is being an Oreo, or a Twinkie, or a coconut: that is, that they are Black or Brown on the outside but white on the inside. And sometimes this is true. Mothers tend to be the progenitors of culture, both consciously and subliminally, and if mom is white, her kids might be completely white culturally – even though they have brown skin. As a result, when they are with kids of color, they feel uncomfortable and out of place.
SO make sure your kids are regularly immersed in the cultures of their own heritages. They should know the music, the traditions, the folklore, the values of their non-white side. Hang around people of color often. Don’t raise brown kids who are only comfortable around white people.
Your kids won’t be an Oreo or a Twinkie or a coconut if on the inside they are a rich combination of everything that they are.
** Great news! My new book , What About the Children? 5 Values for Multiracial Families will be released February 2025. Click here to pre-order!
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